Six Things Time Can't Change
by star.everlasting
Summary: Five times Caitlin Snow says, "I love you" to Barry Allen, and one time he says it back. [Snowbarry Week 2019 Day 4 - Free Day]


Hey, Flash fam!

We're now on Day 4 of Snowbarry Week 2019 - FREE DAY! I struggled long and hard as to what to do with this day and almost didn't even write this fic...but it turned out to be my longest piece for SB week, and also a piece I am extremely proud of. A nice 5+1 fic I haven't done in a while :)

For argument's sake, we're going to pretend that the first timeline Barry runs back to after Flashpoint is where everything is normal and everyone is normal...except maybe Dante, because I love that Barry and Cisco have to work through these tough times together (even though I want to hug Cisco 5ever during this arc, really)...and that Savitar's existence is questionable.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the Flash/DCTV

* * *

The first time it happens, Caitlin doesn't even know it happened. It just slips out of her in her drunken haze- not that she remembers much from that night, but she remembers blaring out the first few bars to Summer Nights when it's her turn to sing, and then honestly…not a whole lot after that.

What she doesn't remember is throwing up outside the dive bar, and Barry, sweet, patient, best-friend-you-could-ask-for Barry, holding her hair back and rubbing soothing circles on her back. She also doesn't remember (though her queasy stomach certainly does) him flashing them back to her apartment, and her innocent-turned-exhibitionist moment as she's struggling to get out of the evil black dress into her comfy PJs so that she can crawl into bed. She definitely does not remember the way Barry's eyes linger over her form just a second longer than he meant to right at that moment, not like when he had blatantly swept his eyes over her in appreciation when she first walked into the bar.

Caitlin remembers the slight panic she felt watching him walk away though, once she's tucked into her bed, but she doesn't remember what transpired after that.

"Hey, Barry?" she asks almost timidly right as he stands up to leave. He turns back to her, green eyes full of light and laughter and if Caitlin isn't already in bed, she could swear through her alcohol-riddled and woozy brain that the smile on his face could have knocked her off her feet.

"Will you stay with me 'til I fall asleep?"

If he's a little surprised by her request, he doesn't show it. They've been through so much together in the past few months, and another nine months on top of that for Caitlin, so really, Barry doesn't mind doing this for her either.

"Sure, yeah," he tells her with a smile. He goes to sit on her bed, to rest against her curled-up legs and to put his hand comfortingly on her thigh to soothe her to sleep, but Caitlin is drunk and she's content and has other ideas. She flops over onto her back and pulls down the covers on the other side, and Barry almost says no, but she's starting to pout and honestly, who _could_ tell her no? With only a small sigh, he takes his shoes off and switches off her lights and then climbs in, intending to only stay for as long as it takes for Caitlin to drift off.

Barry really should have known better though, because Caitlin walks to the beat of her own brilliant little drum, and as soon as he's under the covers and mostly sitting up with his back against her headboard, she snuggles in close to him. She's drunk and happy and warm and out of that evil dress into fluffy pajamas, and she wiggles a little bit until she's curled up against him and taking in his warmth (speedsters run warm after all) and feeling the rise and fall of his chest with every breath.

"Hey, Barry?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you," she mumbles sleepily with a smile on her face, and Barry stops himself from laughing out loud. He's amused; she's adorably asleep, and he doesn't think much of her words other than just how much they have supported each other and changed each other's lives after the Particle Accelerator explosion; he stays for another few minutes, smoothing her hair back before he leaves.

* * *

The second time, Caitlin doesn't mean for it to happen.

Zoom is the most terrifying villain Team Flash has come up against thus far. She knows this, knows everything that Harry has told her and Barry and Cisco about Earth-2, but it still cuts her to her core when she sees him being completely beaten and humiliated in front of the citizens of Central City and the Central City Police Force that he has tried so hard to protect at CC Jitters and at CCPD. His vitals are dangerously low; she's gripping the table for dear life and praying that somehow, Barry makes it out of this alive.

She has no idea when it started, but it seems like she woke up one day, and then BAM! She's got complicated, gut-twisty, butterfly-fluttery, heart-thumping feelings for Central City's resident superhero and one of her best friends. That day, Caitlin thumped her head against her desk when the thought finally struck her- she's got the bruise to prove it.

When Zoom appears in crackles of blue lightning inside the S.T.A.R. Labs Cortex with a broken, bloody Barry clutched tightly in his hands, she's more terrified than she ever thought she could be. It was one thing talking with Ronnie in his last moments via walkie-talkie and then watching him fly into the singularity to save the city, save the world, but she is now actively watching the person she loves being slowly beaten to death, and that _scares_ her.

"Barry!" Caitlin yells, seeing the extent of his injuries with her own eyes.

"Harrison Wells," Zoom growls. "You thought you could defeat me…with this?" He peels off Barry's cowl to reveal his bloodied face, and it takes everything in her to keep from gasping.

"I made a mistake," Harry whispers with wide eyes.

Despite his monstrous mask, everyone in the room can almost see his victorious grin. "Yes…a costly one," Zoom growls, and then Barry lets out a weak moan of pain, and they realize that Zoom's got him, has stabbed him with the sharpened gauntlet attached to his black suit. They won't discover the ramifications of that until later, but right now, Barry is hurt and about to die.

Caitlin has never been so terrified in her _life_.

"Goodbye…Flash," Zoom taunts. "You, too, weren't fast enough."

His gloating speech is halted by his yell as soon as Cisco fires the speed-dampening serum at him, but they all underestimate him- the tranq does almost nothing; he crumples to the ground, dropping Barry in the process, but then Zoom picks himself up and runs out of S.T.A.R. Labs in a streak of blue lightning. Harry immediately chases after him with an anguished cry, but Caitlin doesn't have enough room in her emotions to be worried for him just yet.

She and Cisco sprint around the console over to Barry, who is completely still on the Cortex floor. Caitlin's mind is a completely panicked scramble, her medical reflexes acting on autopilot as she laces her fingers together to give Barry chest compressions, one after the other.

"Stay with me," she pleads with him as she presses down on his chest. "Stay with me, Barry. Stay with me, please, Barry, please!"

He is completely unresponsive, and the most Cisco can do is stare at his best friend's body, horrified, with his hands covering his mouth and his other best friend trying her damnedest to bring him back to them.

"Barry, please!" Caitlin's crying now. "I love you, stay with me, please please please please-"

Then Joe runs into the Cortex and bodily lifts his foster son into the med bay, and Caitlin runs after him to save Barry's life one more time. It isn't until much later that Caitlin finishes patching him up, his vitals have stabilized, they manage to calm Joe down and confront Harry about his quest to save Jesse from Zoom that Cisco quietly approaches her, slumped into her swivel chair, and asks her the one question she has dreaded for a long while.

"How long have you…" he started, unsure of how to phrase his question. She buries her face in her hands.

"Not sure. A while now, I think."

Cisco nods, clearing his throat as Caitlin thinks about nearly losing Barry, of everyone around her who loves Barry losing him, and thinks about that one very beautiful detective down at the CCPD who has recently begun to bring smiles to his face.

"Cisco," she whispers. "You can't tell him. Please."

* * *

The third time it happens, it is the first time those words come out of her mouth on purpose.

Barry's true strength never laid in his superspeed- rather, it is in the way that he is kind, selfless, and seeks to better the world for the ones he loves and for everyone around him, his desire to help people and to save them, no matter the cost. Caitlin knows this, has known it in all the time she has known him. It is the thing she both loves and hates the most about him, and knows that even if he isn't the Flash, just being Barry Allen- he is still her hero.

She has just witnessed it again, firsthand, his selflessness and his damned savior complex when he gives up his speed at Zoom's demand to save Wally. The past few months, she has tried so hard to move on from him, even tentatively trying to find the same things in Jay- Zoom- that she didn't even realize she never really moved on from him at all. They are both people interested in the welfare of others, interested in helping and building people around them up, both speedsters, and it took her so very long to realize the wool that has been pulled over her eyes that _no_, Zoom is the twisted version of anything Barry Allen could be, lying and manipulating everyone around him, and taking all of Barry's goodness and using it for evil instead.

Caitlin feels her heart in her throat and fights to plead through her tears when she sees Zoom choking the life out of him.

"Jay, stop! Please." She has to swallow down the lump in her throat to keep talking, to keep him from killing Barry in front of her eyes yet again. "If anything you ever said to me was true, or anything we ever shared was real, then _please just let him go_," she begs, her voice giving out at the end. "I know some piece of you did care for me, so if you have any humanity left, then please, let him go."

Zoom throws Barry to the side then, and she can barely feel the overwhelming relief that he is _safe_, Iris at his side, before she's being taken away to where she finds herself now, a stranger in a strange land, chained to her cot on where she knows is Earth-2. He leaves her there with a plate of food in front of her, surrounded by rust and decay, and she bites back a sob, gripping her own hands as tightly as she can. There's no way she can cry for help, no way to contact anyone, and no way to go home.

Her last words- she wants these to be her last words.

"Barry," Caitlin whispers into the near-darkness. "I love you."

* * *

It's almost sad how desperate she sounds the fourth time, but she _is _desperate- Caitlin is desperate to save everyone she can, and the most important thing she can do right now is to warn everyone of the impending attack, or people are going to die. She thinks of Joe's wide eyes when Zoom threatens their lives at CCPD as he retreats, thinks of Barry and how it would devastate him to lose his surrogate father, of Iris, and how she would never wish that upon anyone.

Her brain whirls at miles a second, eyes landing on the evidence box that is conveniently stashed in the desk next to the one she is chained to. Quickly digging into the box, she finds a confiscated cellphone, and sees from the corner of her eye that Zoom is still speaking with the meta she knows as Rupture; Caitlin thanks every star she can name (not many, because Barry's always been better at that) that they are completely disregarding her, letting her know their plan of attack. He zooms back to her just as she tucks the phone into her back pocket, his eyes cold and unforgiving.

"You disapprove?"

"You said you would spare them," Caitlin says shakily, almost pleadingly.

"I need to teach them a lesson," Zoom explains.

Her eyes harden then. "Is that why you change your voice, so that everyone will be afraid of you?"

His face contorts into an ugly grimace, his eyes flicking into black and his vocal cords distorting when he answers her. "As you once said…I'm nothing but a monster."

She nearly cries when he leaves her to her own devices; she turns the phone on and finds it still full of battery, and quickly fires off a text to the S.T.A.R. Labs messaging network.

RUPTURE ATTACK JITTERS 2NITE.

Caitlin hopes, prays, and slumps against the desk in relief when she sees on the news that Joe and the others have caught Rupture, safely escorting him to Iron Heights. Like most things with Zoom though- that relief is short-lived when he appears in front of her. "You told them Rupture was coming. How?"

When she doesn't respond immediately, his tone takes on a hard edge. "How?!"

She's so scared at that moment, unable to answer, but he finds the answer on his own anyway in the evidence box she left opened behind her that he missed earlier. "Oh you, you are smart, aren't you? You betrayed me!" he yells.

"You said you would spare them," she says, trying her best to put all the strength she has into her voice.

"I guess…now we're even," he replied as he puts his mask back on. Terror strikes her again, the absolute terror she has at losing any of her friends, at the prospect of letting anyone die on her watch.

"Jay, no!"

He looks at her with emotionless, hollow black eyes. "My name…is Zoom."

It isn't until then that Caitlin makes up her mind, sending off one last message and praying she isn't too late. She watches the news, updating their broadcast to reveal Zoom at Jitters, where she knows Joe and Singh and the others are. Her hand comes up to her mouth as she stares at the screen, horrified when the camera falls and reveals everyone but Joe, Rupture, Singh, and Barry dead, and when Zoom picks up the camera, she sees Barry's agonized face.

Her eyes follow him on screen until the camera blacks out.

.

.

.

Back in the Cortex, the only people there to receive Caitlin's messages are Cisco, Harry, and Henry, and two of them widen their eyes in surprise as the third one tries his best to quell the tears building in his eyes.

BARRY. I'M SO SORRY. I LOVE YOU.

* * *

The fifth time it happens, Caitlin has already allowed herself to move past the heartache of losing someone she loves, but when Jay tells her that Barry, her Barry, is dead, she is frozen. He tells her that he's giving her a choice, gives her his ultimatum, and there really is no choice- she makes a run for it the second he leaves her in the CCPD forensics lab, the one that is _not_ Barry's, back to S.T.A.R. Labs. She overhears his speech to the Earth-2 metas, and she cries the entire time she runs back, her lack of food and water and rest making her feel dizzy and nauseous, but she has to keep going, because she needs to see for herself.

Cisco, Henry, and Harry are the ones who are in the Cortex when she stumbles in, weak and with tears just streaming down her face. It is minutes before they manage to calm her down enough for Henry to look her over, and then she asks the dreaded question-

"Is Barry alive?" Caitlin manages to not sob at his name, hiccupping when Cisco gives the affirmative and a tight hug afterwards. There is a look of understanding in Henry's eyes, but then the elevator dings in the hallway and Cisco runs out only to come back with the one person she wants to see most. She is unprepared, however, for how much she _feels_ as soon as he walks into the room, as soon as he spots her and widens his bright green eyes, opens his mouth to nearly yell her name.

"_Caitlin_?!" Barry nearly exclaims.

While they spend precious moments catching up with Caitlin barely holding onto her voice from her fatigue and fear and anxiety, she wants so much for her heartbeat to slow down when she feels the warmth of Barry's hands on her knees, tucked underneath her hands, when she sees his earnest green eyes as he reassures her. Everything about the past few days catches up to her then, but the past few days aren't what makes her want to curl up into a tight ball and cry her heart out; the emotions crash over her loud and clear and glaring in the form of her remembering how Barry and Iris walked back into the Cortex earlier together with _that_ glint in their eyes and spring in their step. Caitlin finds that she has difficulty swallowing, and feels her eyes welling up with tears.

Barry is the one who suggests that she gets some rest, and she is quick to hide behind that excuse, immediately turning to her side with her back to him on the med bay bed to hide the tears finally slipping rapidly down her cheeks. If he notices her tremors before she falls asleep, he doesn't speak up.

.

.

.

He's the one who approaches her, finding time between his father's funeral and preparing for his race against Zoom. Caitlin is caught by surprise when Henry's funeral ends on that stormy, rainy day, accurately reflecting each of their emotions, when Barry comes up to her, asking if they could talk and everyone else, including Iris, clears out to give them space. They walk within the cemetery for a few minutes in silence, their black umbrellas over their heads, before he figures out what to say to her, only to have her beat him to the punch.

"Are you okay?" Caitlin asks, because dear, beautiful Caitlin always has him as her first priority. The thought creates a lump in his throat.

"No," Barry admits. His voice is slightly shaky, and he knows she picks up on it, because she immediately drops her umbrella to give him a hug. This is not foreign territory for them- they have been each other's support since the day the Flash was born, and both share the grief of losing someone close, of losing a parent (or two- Caitlin's not so sure her mother counts).

He gives her a gentle squeeze before letting her go, her umbrella coming back up to shield her from the rain. There isn't actually a good way to go about this, so Barry takes a deep breath and just dives in.

"Cisco showed me your text. From when Zoom and Rupture were attacking Jitters."

She effectively freezes in place, involuntarily holding her breath while the blood drains from her face. This is not the moment to pretend she has no idea what text he's talking about; she knows full well and remembers hitting the send button and praying, at the time, she would have the opportunity to tell him the words herself. Now, now she's not so sure. His hand, the one that is unoccupied by holding the umbrella, comes up to rub the back of his neck, a sure sign of his stress, anxiety, nerves. "Cait, I just- I just feel like we should talk about it, while we still have the time."

The rain around them seems to fall harder, but Caitlin doesn't even notice the hard pitter-patter that hits the umbrella above her. Instead, all she can think about are the past few days where Iris and Barry are always in each other's orbit, always her going after him to talk and offer support, always Barry's lingering stares when she's in the room. She knows this, has always known, that Barry Allen's first and only love is Iris West, and Caitlin Snow has no place in that aspect of his story, no matter how strongly she feels about him.

"I didn't know you felt that way," he admits, looking around the cemetery, at anywhere but her. "But you know that you're one of my best friends- one of my closest friends- and I know I have to be honest with you, because you are always honest with me." Barry takes a deep breath before continuing. "Iris and I- we've talked about us, our relationship and where we are, and she finally told me how she feels about me. We're-"

"I know," Caitlin cuts in, unsure of how she's still standing upright on her feet. Her emotions have been on a wild ride between grieving for Henry and getting back into the swing of things at S.T.A.R. Labs, trying to get over her PTSD from her time at Zoom's hands, and this is- this is too much. She knows what he's about to say, wants to spare him the effort and herself the heartache, because Caitlin has always put Barry before herself.

"I know that you and Iris are together," she says, and does her best to give him a small smile. It's not convincing to either of them, but she soldiers on. "And that's okay. I'm so happy for you, Barry. You deserve the best, and Iris is so amazing. I'm really happy for both of you. And I just want you both to be happy."

Barry's eyes are conveying so much confusion and heartache that Caitlin has no idea what to do with herself. She steps up to give him a hug, which he returns, slowly wrapping his arms around her waist. He's always drawn strength from her; she has been his rock since the beginning, and at this moment, even at this moment, he doesn't know what he'd do without her.

"I love you, Barry," Caitlin whispers quietly. She releases him and takes a step back, putting a hand on his cheek. His beautiful green eyes are shining with tears. "I'm so glad you're happy."

With one last smile, she drops her hand, turns, and walks away. Iris watches their exchange from a distance, her eyes filling with tears as a small smile forms on her lips.

* * *

_+1_

Barry never sees it coming. He doesn't know how he doesn't, but the moment he realizes the one puzzle piece that's missing in his life in this alternate timeline, he feels like the wind has been knocked out of him, his chest replaced by a deep ache.

Joe and Henry, his fathers, have both talked to him so many times about thinking hard about what he wants, who he loves, what decisions to make, and Barry takes them to heart; he does, he loves his fathers so much, and has always been so sure of where his heart is. Growing up, Barry Allen knew that he would love Iris West forever, the girl who first believed in him and always stuck up for him, his sister and his best friend growing up. Even now, in _his _timeline, in the new steps of their relationship, she's taking those steps with him.

So why does Barry feel so empty at this moment, standing in the Cortex of S.T.A.R. Labs- Ramon Industries, in this timeline- surrounded by his team, by the people he loves and yet-

"Wait, we're missing something."

He doesn't see the beautiful, warm brown eyes that he is so accustomed to seeing, doesn't find the unmistakable brown curls anywhere he looks, doesn't realize how he looks for her first in the room. He immediately launches himself at Cisco's computer, ignoring his indignant cry of, "hey, don't touch that!" as he uses his superspeed to search for the one thing that he knows his missing, a broad smile on his face when her name lights up on the screen.

"Got it," Barry whispers, and speeds away only to return a moment later with a very, very confused and bewildered Dr. Caitlin Snow in tow.

"Oh! What just happened?"

Cisco rolls his eyes at the speedster in the room, gesturing to Caitlin. "_STOP _bringing strangers into my lab! Who is this?!"

"This is Dr. Caitlin Snow." Never did Barry ever think he would have to introduce Cisco to their best friend. It's an odd sensation, an odd feeling of not-belonging when he sees how they're strangers and not the tight-knit group that helps him through…virtually everything in his life. He would not be where he is today without them. "In my timeline, she's a part of our team."

He doesn't roll them this time- Cisco's eyes turn to slits. "Did you- you- you just kidnapped this woman!"

"No, I didn't-" Barry stumbles over his words, stuttering as he tries to justify his actions. "Well, yeah, I guess I- she's a scientist, we need her!"

"I'm not a scientist," Caitlin automatically replies. Barry's eyebrows furrow, completely, _thoroughly_ confused.

"You're not a scientist?" he parrots.

There's a proud glint in her eye as she straights up slightly before responding to him. "I'm an ophthalmologist."

"An eye doctor." Barry's both surprised and awed. He should have known. In any timeline, his Caitlin would find an occupation that helps people.

"A _pediatric_ eye doctor," she gently corrects him with that proud little grin. He can understand how she's feeling; he's extremely proud of her too. There's just…something that's bothering him about the entire situation aside from all the general odd-ness of it; by the time Iris asks to talk to him in private, Barry figures it out what it is, and it makes him sick to his stomach.

There's no warmth in Caitlin's eyes when she looks at him.

Of course, her eyes are always soothing and warm to people around her, people she loves, but she doesn't…know him. She has no idea who he is, has no idea how many times she's saved his life over and over and over again. She has no idea how she chews on her bottom lip when she's angry and terrified at and for him, how she will tear into him about putting himself in danger and not being careful while her hands are gently and efficiently and affectionately patching him up. She has no idea of the memories they've made together, in the quiet moments where they sit and offer each other the comfort only they can offer, in the moments where they will lend a shoulder or an outstretched hand and open palm or give a hug, or even in the loud moments where they sing together with her horribly off-key, where he will tease her about Summer Nights, where she'll dance and waltz and walk and talk like nothing in the world is at all wrong-

Where she'll ask him to stay with her until she falls asleep, where he'll comply and soothe her to sleep, and, this is the hardest part to remember- where she tells him she loves him. Because Barry knows now, that when she let it slip that night and he chalked it up to drunkenness and familiarity and friendship, that she truly did love him. She has loved him for longer than he can comprehend, for reasons beyond his understanding, and now that he's lost her, he realizes the gravity of how much he wants, needs it, needs her, back in his life.

His Caitlin. The one who knows him, the one who loves him, not the one standing before him. The one who has always grounded him, who always believed in him, always saved his life; the one who wears a mask of bravery in the face of everything the world throws at her- a dead fiancé, multiple kidnappings, injuries from just being in his proximity. The one who could always calm him down and speak reason to him, like when his father had been murdered and she was the only one he wasn't angry with about benching him when she spoke up to him.

Zoom was right. He is only alive because of Caitlin.

When he and Iris make their way out of the Cortex to talk, Barry can't take his eyes off her- he keeps looking back at Caitlin as he walks out of the room.

.

.

.

The cost he pays to restore the timeline is not something Barry is prepared to pay.

He does make it back though, and it's the last thing he needs to see, wants to see: Eobard Thawne on the porch of the West house, almost gloating and preening after everything that had happened. Tears burn in Barry's eyes as he runs off, and it takes everything in him to keep from collapsing, to keep from just falling over and giving in to his grief. It's late at night, but once his feet move, he can't make them stop until he's standing in front of a very familiar door in a very familiar hallway, knocking over and over again, and he can't stop he can't stop hecan'tstophecan'tstophecan'tstophecan't-

"Barry?" The door opens with Caitlin's soft voice gently calling out his name, and it is then he sees her, really sees her, sees her immediately stand at attention and pull him by the arm into her apartment. All traces of sleepiness and weariness are gone from her face; she leads him over to the couch where she sits him down and goes over to the kitchen to pour him a hot cup of water before handing it to him. Barry can't bring himself to reach up and take it from her, so Caitlin sets it down on the coffee table in front of them.

"Barry," she asks carefully. "Are you okay?"

He's frozen with grief, frozen with the weight of everything he had done, and finds himself unable to answer, only to notice that his eyes are hurting and his vision is blurry and his cheeks are wet with tears, and they're dripping down his face and onto his suit. She takes his face in her hands, gently turning it from side to side and inspecting him for injuries. Satisfied, her worry only increases when he remains silent. Her hands fall from his face.

"I'll go call Iris, okay?"

It's this sentence that makes his head snap up, to immediately grab onto her hand when she stands up to go get her phone. Barry's eyes are wide and pleading, but Caitlin doesn't understand, he knows she doesn't understand, so he pulls her back down to the couch and clears his throat.

"My mom just died," he says, voice hoarse and raspy. Confusion is etched on her face, but he shakes his head. He has to come clean with what he's done; Barry grips her hand tighter, silently asking for the strength to continue. His shoulders nearly sag in relief when she squeezes his hand back in reassurance.

"After dad- I just- I couldn't-"

He finally drags his eyes up to meet hers, sniffling one last time. "I ran back in time to change the timeline. I ran back to the night my mother died and stopped Thawne from killing her."

"Barry-" she tries to say, but he cuts her off. She needs to hear the whole story.

"I thought it was better," Barry pushes forward. "I got the chance to grow up with both of my parents, to approach Iris as any guy would to ask her out. She accepted, you know. She even called me cute. But when it came time to defend Central City with Wally as the Flash…S.T.A.R. Labs didn't even exist; it was Ramon Industries. Cisco was a billionaire who didn't even really want to help. And you-"

He pauses here, shaking his head before he can continue. "You weren't there, Caitlin. You were a…" Barry smiles a little. "A pediatric ophthalmologist."

Caitlin gives him a small grin, lightly squeezing his hand and urging him to continue. "You didn't even know us," he tells her, his voice growing thin. "I found you, and you looked at me, and you had no idea who I was."

"I-"

"And there was so much going on. Central City needed saving, but- there were so, so many things wrong in that timeline. Our friends not knowing each other, you and Cisco not knowing each other, and even when I was with Iris, the only thing I could think about was how empty the Cortex looked without you. My memories, my memories were being overwritten. I was forgetting things, forgetting everything that's happened in this timeline, and I can't, I can't let that happen. Iris and I were together, she believed that it was an alternate timeline when I told her I went back in time and what I had changed, but even then…even then, what hurt the most was…"

Barry swallows the lump in his throat. "You saw me, Caitlin. And you didn't recognize me."

Caitlin's eyes immediately fill with tears. She cannot imagine a world where she doesn't know him, and cannot begin to imagine what it must have been like for him in that timeline. "How did you get home?" she manages to ask.

There it is again; his eyes cloud over, haunted by shadows that she cannot see, cannot protect him from. He opens his mouth, closes it, then tries again. "I freed Eobard Thawne," he whispers. "I had to- I had to ask him to kill my mother again to reset the timeline."

A horrified sob is torn from her, and she tightens her hands around his. Barry just lost his father, and had to relieve and re-live the pain of losing his mother all over again.

"But Cait, I had to. I had to come home," he says, and he is crying again. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

She lets go of one of his hands, instead bringing her right hand up to his cheek like she did just a few days ago- for her. For him, it's been months, it's been a lifetime since they stood in that cemetery, since they had defeated Zoom and freed Jay Garrick, his heart in his throat and hers breaking right in front of him. Barry closes his eyes and covers her hand with his own.

"I can't live in a world where you and Cisco aren't best friends, aren't my best friends. In a world where you look at me and don't recognize me, don't know me, don't know what we've been through. I had to come home," he tells her brokenly. "Caitlin, you're my lightning rod. I should have realized it sooner. I'm sorry I didn't, but I-"

He chokes on this, because of all the reasons he had to reset and preserve the timeline, this is the biggest one of them all.

"I love you," Barry finally whispers. "In that alternate timeline, I had grown up with my parents beside me, and I had Iris, but I realized that I loved her, will always love her, for being my first love and my best friend, but you…I run home to you."

Closing his eyes, he leans forward until his forehead is resting on hers, and he breathes in the moment of stillness between them, with all his secrets laid bare.

"Iris came to talk to me after my dad's funeral, just before I created the alternate timeline," he says quietly. "We decided to call it off."

Caitlin feels like this is a conversation they should be having while looking at each other, so she slowly pulls away to look him in the eyes. He's so very tired, weary from the fresh loss of his parents, from living a whole lifetime in the days she had spent in her apartment after Henry's funeral. She makes a decision, right there and then, and pulls him up from the couch.

"Barry, go home," Caitlin says gently. "Go take a shower, get changed, and come back."

It's not the first time she has said this to him, not the first time he has drawn comfort from her in the quiet of the night. He is so exhausted and does as he is told, returning about thirty seconds after he leaves in fresh clothes and the smell of his body wash fresh on his skin. Caitlin smiles a little at him and pulls him into her bedroom, guiding him under the covers before she locks the front door and switches off the lights to crawl in bed next to him. She then gathers him into her arms, her body curled protectively around him, and presses a feather-light kiss onto his forehead.

"Get some sleep," she murmurs. Barry's arms slip around her, and he has just closed his eyes when he hears her whisper to him one last time that night. "I love you."

.

.

.

He wakes up under a fluffy white comforter with the sunlight gently streaming in through the windows, thoroughly tangled with the beautiful woman next to him. Caitlin's brown curls spill over her pillow, her even breaths adding to the peace of the morning. Barry watches her sleep, then softly kisses her forehead. In this moment, he is still grieving the loss of both of his parents and recovering from everything Zoom had put them through, but in this moment, he breathes in the stillness and his heart feels just a little more full.


End file.
